I watched a playthough of The Beginner's Guide today. It's from the same folks who made Stanley Parable. They keep messing with minds, and I'm glad they are. The Beginner's Guide made met think, which is less and less frequent in modern games. It made me think about the value of distance. Not physical distance, although there are theories and studies revolving around the psychological effects of physical distance, but of emotional distance.

In the last decade or two, a discussion has risen around the antisocial behaviour of young people - teenagers and young adults - that keeps revolving around the psychological and economic impacts of a new wave of societal and cultural change. Internet allows us to have relationships over the internet that may not in fact be there at all. Looking at a Facebook or Twitter feed, seeing all these names that you know scroll past with intimate stories or glimpses into another person allows us to project a friendship with these people. These so called parasocial relationships will be there even if we don't actually have any connection with the people that we see in our feeds. I don't mean to rail against the culture of social media again - not this time - it is simply a result of a shifting culture.

There's a lot going on in our current cultural shift, from the symptom of isolation all the way to the very opposite; the symptom of latching on to others. We are losing certain emotional cues by interacting via an emotionless screen, but at the same time we are perhaps gaining a greater resolve to connect to others. When you are unable to read certain emotional cues, there will be a lack of understanding that some will want to fill. I know I have had this before in my life. I would argue that we all want to be happy, and we want those around us to be happy. When there is a problem, we want to fix that and move on as fast as possible. We fail to realize that trying to fix something can often end with the problem being magnified. And when we fail to realize that the problem we are trying to fix isn't in fact a problem, we are in fact ending up creating a problem by the act of fixing.

I feel like I'm slowly ending up writing in nonsensical circles. Let's pull this back. As always, I'm sure from this point onwards this will devolve into some kind of a faulty self-reflection.

I have, for most of my life, kept people at a distance from myself. Some would probably call me antisocial and I wouldn't necessarily say that I'm not. I enjoy the act of creation, I enjoy freedom of being inside my own head and painting these magnificent worlds that I can then try to translate somehow onto a page. I enjoy sitting in a room by myself, doing absolutely nothing with myself. It is a strange feeling when you have the freedom to do that, and the confidence of your family that you know what you're doing, yet somewhere deep inside feeling lost and confused. Wearing a mask of confidence ended up breaking me and spinning me into a depression, because all of a sudden I felt like I couldn't handle that anymore. For more rambling about that, you can start my blog from the start. This was originally my place to vent all the frustration and insecurity, when all of this was still on blogger.

Attempts at trying to fix me, to make me normal, were met with extreme resistance, and still are. To me, I am normal, and no matter what anyone says I will work for the rest of my life to keep up being my own, unique normalcy.

My fiancee continues to struggle with anxiety and depression. I've been sitting here, watching the spiral and then the slow climb back up for over two years. I've seen my fiancee completely immobile in bed, paralyzed by overcoming anxiety and fear, I've seen her starving herself, I've seen her lash out at everyone who has tried to fix her. I have seen the very personality that I fell in love with crumble, get stomped on and then slowly put together like a broken mirror. There will always be gaps there, there will always be fragile lines that will never heal and which I will forever know as coming from this period of her life. I want to so desperately to just fix her, and it's been all I have wanted since she started spiralling out of control. The saddest thing is to discover time and time again that you cannot fix something like this, and to realize you must back away from the attempt before you make things worse. The best thing you can do is to try and mirror what they need most, and to be some semblance of a symbol of motivation for them. It is another mask to be put on, in order to hide all the deep fear and sorrow. A mask that, at some point, will need to shatter as well.

August 2013

I think it's quite normal to look back on things you have written, said and done and think of how insecure and odd of a person you used to be. In this case some two years ago. I haven't been blogging since my trip to Norway way back in 2013. I honestly don't even recall the details of that trip, but I feel the emotions that were going on in my head at that time. Now, not so much. I've moved to Norway on a permanent basis, established a life here, put a ring on Trude's ring finger and agonized over the past year over her depression and eating disorder issues, only to come to trust her in a way I never thought I would trust anyone. Every day is better than the last and life is on the upswing once more.

Then that begs the question, why did I suddenly have the need to blog something? So far my blog has been full of sob stories and self-loathing. Well, no more! Well, not as much in any case. I think my urge comes from the fact that I have now become a nearly full-time storyteller.

Several times a week (when possible) I either play or run a Dungeons & Dragons campaign on the streaming service Twitch. That is a community that is growing and striving for great things, and in many ways (although I hate to think of it as such) a good business opportunity for myself as well. There's no harm to be had in getting your name out there, right?
I am also working on my second literary venture. If you have happened upon an icon with a roughly drawn medieval-style knight on a yellow parchment-ish background with the title "Lords of Aswick" written somewhere in the vicinity, then you may have happened upon my first commercially published story. While a sequel for that will be coming at some point, right now I will work on a somewhat lighter project that is nonetheless in the same vein. With hopes that this will carry me to at least some semblance of success. Putting effort into this is keeping me sane and keeping (for the moment) a boring dayjob at bay.

Perhaps that will give me some time to get back into spewing my brainfarts on the internet as well.

When Home Doesn't Feel Like Home

So I was in Norway for roughly two and a half weeks. I got back this last Sunday, not even a week has gone by and I find myself loathing home. I'm still sad I had to leave, possibly even a bit angry about it. I feel sick and drained every day while I'm trying to cope and get back into the pre-trip routine. There were a few days during the trip I felt like a real outsider, nothing major but still enough to make me want to come back home early. Good thing I didn't give those thoughts much room to grow, since the last weekend was so amazing through and through that I can't even put it to words. I went there for one reason and one reason only: Trude. I don't even remember anymore what I thought I would discover when I got there, seeing her for the first time since 2009 made my mind go completely blank and my heart skip a few beats.

I had hesitations going in of course. I never promised not to. And after how much the break-up between us hurt at the time (as you can see if you go back in the blog a couple of years) those doubts even during the trip managed to pop up and hit me across the head with a mallet. Having none of those doubts or hesitations fed during the trip is possibly the worst thing that's happened to me emotionally for a long time. I found myself being so damn happy with her that I don't feel like home is where it should be for me...
I honestly do not know if it's the worst thing to happen to me or the best thing. I used to think Finland is everything to me, even with the many faults it has. Now I'm thinking about going back to Norway for a bit more permanent stay at some point. Although first, I have a month-long trip there in September which I am looking forward to much more than I did for this last trip or the one I made in 2009.

I think this is the part where I should say "don't get me wrong" and list all the things that felt right on my trip and how it was the most amazing two and a half weeks of my life. But I honestly can't find the words to describe it with words. It's just an overwhelming flood of very positive emotions. The trip made me realize two things that had been nagging at me for years; it's not just a teenage fancy, I really, truly and deeply love Trude; no matter what happens in the future or what happened in the past, I will always love her and she will have a special place in my mind and heart. I wish to share my life with her when the time comes, leaving everything I have and building a new life for myself with her in Norway. It's all clear to me now and I'm willing to commit to it.

I also now have the feeling, which I beg to be correct, that I don't need to defend my spot next to her as a boyfriend. From previous experience, I was dreading I would have to do so. I dreaded that I might have to be the jealous boyfriend, something I never ever wish to be. I trust her and won't stoop so low as to undermine her or try in any way to cage her. I care for her too much to ever do so. I've learned during my still rather brief existence such trust comes at a risk with a price I don't wish to pay, but in this case... I'm comfortable with taking that risk.

Wait, What'd He Say?

Now this is an interesting feeling. I feel up and down at the same time.

I’m happy being together with her again, despite my initial hesitations. I went through my own personal hell when we broke up, I suffered and picked up habits I now wish I hadn’t. The army kept my mind preoccupied but I fell into the same kind of slump afterwards that I’d been in before it. Life didn’t taste like anything for the two years when we had pretty much no contact. Honestly I don’t think all that has passed yet, but knowing that she wants to spend the rest of her life with me is something I honestly don’t know how to cope with. It makes me too happy.  I guess that’s why I’m feeling down as well, I’ve grown accustomed to the fact that I’m not happy that I don’t know anymore how to deal with the positive emotions.

I was seriously contemplating asking her to marry me some day before we broke up. I could see myself living happily with her, not caring if it was in Finland or Norway or wherever as long as we were together. The trip in 2009 was the sealing deal for me, I just knew after that I wanted her in my life forever through ups and downs, in sickness and in health. Guess that’s why I crashed so hard after our break-up and went into depression. I even felt ashamed I had put so much effort into it and had planned ahead so far. After that, I only made short-term decision, every last one being the wrong one in the long run. Now I’ve ended up in a situation without a job, without a useful education and … once again with her. And I’m actually happy despite all the shit that’s going on.

I find myself wanting time to pass quicker so I can see her again. The initial plan is for this July, but who knows what might happen. I hope July sticks, I want to see her so desperately.
And honestly, the old thoughts are coming back to me. I don’t know… I really do want to get on one knee when I see her. I don’t know how long it will take or what kind of effort and compromise must be done that we could be together for more than a few weeks in a year or that we could actually live together. But I’m willing to figure it all out. I’ve even figured the best place to do it. It feels that I’m rushing into it, but I’ve been thinking about it for years… I don’t think I’m good enough for her, but she seems to think I am. So I might actually end up going through with it.

Unable to do the Languages

There are words that you can’t explain in any language. For someone who is blind and has always been that way, you cannot explain what exactly is red or blue, or light and dark. For someone who has never experienced something, you cannot explain what something feels like in such a way that they could truly feel it for themselves. I’m sure there’s a fancy name for it that comes from Greek or Latin…

Love. What is it? Why do you love someone? Nearly everyone has someone that they love may it be family or friends, or even romantic love. You can explain what kind of chemical reactions are going on in your body when you are in love with someone, but can you truly explain why exactly it is that you love someone?
You can always list character traits or visual and vocal traits… but is that ultimately why you love someone? People can be in an abusive relationship either in a physical or emotional level, there can be major mood swings that bring out what could be described as personality changes. Still there can be love there. You can hate someone in every rational way possible, yet you can love them at the same time. Religious people can love God.
You can know the feeling so well that you can identify when you’re in love… but how do you explain it to a person who has never felt the emotion of loving?

I’m sure there’s bound to be someone somewhere who can positively explain why they love someone and what it feels like. I’m not that person.
When someone asks me “how can you love me” or “why do you love me” I do not know the answer. I know I do, I feel the emotions and I observe my own actions being different from whenever I’m with anyone else.  I can list traits they have and I can describe their appearance, but ultimately that’s why I like them and enjoy spending time with them, but it’s still not quite why I love them.

I hate how I can’t explain stuff like that. My life goal is to teach myself more and more stuff and to learn from everything I can, but I can’t even explain why I love someone to the extent that I would like to.

P.S. It has been quite a while, I know. I have for a long time thought of writing something, but I haven't had anything really to share that I felt was worth typing out.
However, now that I finally did figure out something to write about, I might as well place a well-situated plug for my Youtube channel here. It's some gameplay commentaries and showcasing some games to the best of my capabilities, but there is and will be other stuff as well. Right now the main alternative to gameplay is my drawing videos, so if you like easy listening with a timelapse of me drawing stuff, check it out. Either way, any views are highly appreciated.

Brain Bottom Burp

Right, this is it right? I'm twenty-one years old. 2012 is nearing it's end. I was born around the time the massive Soviet Union collapsed and former soviet republics started building their own nationstates and identities, I remember the 90s pop scene, the fall of the twin towers in New York, the C-cassette, floppy disks, the coming of PlayStation and the time when Apple was big on the scene because Mac had opaque sleek back panels for their monitors. All sad things upon themselves when you look back on them and what came in their aftermath. There's been a huge amount of technological progress in the 21 years I've been around and the people made the awesome decision that neon-colored attire wasn't cool. Is this it though? Seriously? Should we be proud of this? Nine-year-olds going into court for pirating one album, despite going to the store with his dad the very next day to buy the same album? Every piece of modern technology is built to die relatively fast so you have to buy a new one? Really? Really? I can't complaint about technology though, not a lot at least. I met the person who would become my first love while in elementary school via the internet. At the time I didn't realize it of course, that came much later, but it's a good example of what you achieve with technology. Sure there have been pen-pal love stories throughout the ages, but the growth in international love stories must be exponential with the internet and instant messaging part of the daily life. Internet knows no stigma, peer pressure or cultural bindings. That's why it's free and should always be free even though racism and sexism blooms in that kind of environment. The mind can be whatever it is on the internet and much more advanced thoughts and ideas can be relayed over thousands of kilometres without the danger of your peers becoming the thought police as long as you follow at least some common sense in your internet behaviour. I'm a different person on the internet than in real life, that's something I discovered early on. The only other place where I could be that person was an environment where I didn't have to keep walls around myself or act a part; the military. I don't exactly yearn to get back there, not at all. However, it is a place where the rules and hierarchy binds people together in a fashion where peer pressure is not an issue. The unique culture inside the barracks and the camp is one where you do not have to worry about the normal cultural bounds, taboos and stigmas even close to the degree that you would in civilian day-to-day life. Right, that was an interesting brain fart. When I started, I was actually thinking about what'd happened in the last 21 years in my life, about stuff I though I'd never do that I now am comfortable with, about stuff I would like very much to experience such as a stable long-term relationship and a bit about kids of my own in the future now that I've seen my nephews a lot more and in a different way than before. But what the hey, this is what came out so thar she blows I guess.

Well Played

Pessimism sucks ass, yet I'm once again stuck at the narrowest point of a funnel through which it's being poured. The situation is as follows. We moved to this new place in early August, dad being a constant pessimist over the entire thing although he slowly started to feel more comfortable here. Not like it was his home, but more comfortable. Now the paperwork clanks through our mailslot, saying that the rent is being raised at the start of next year. Our income is raised by ten euros, the rent going up five times as much. We can't afford. Needless to say, this started a spiral in the household. From first looking at a new place with the same kind of amenities (of which there actually is one that's much cheaper and larger than this apartment, but for some reason or another that's not even being discussed) to the decision that we're moving back to the old Pikisaari house despite the fact that there were pretty simple and straightforward reasons for moving out of there. One of them being that they'd cut dad's pay for taking care of mom, making it impossible to stay there as well. The way I see it, there are two options and one of them I'm not even going to say out aloud because of what would ensue after I said it. Either we drop the house in Pikisaari, saving the several hundred euros a month from renting the place, or we find a new cheaper flat. Going back to living full-time in Pikisaari isn't really an option, since that will get the local authorities on our backs again because mom doesn't have the amenities that they want her to have. For me it's a lesser issue really, although bearing down heavily right now. I'm more concerned right now with getting a job for next year. Something that could support me getting my own apartment in the near future. What I discovered from about a month or so of living mainly by myself in this new flat is that I'm actually independent enough to do it. I just need the cash to do it with. If I had the money right now, I would have a couple of choices that I actually quite like. Unfortunately, I don't. So there we go.

Fresh Chic

Right, so. This past week has been marking some significant changes in my life that will actually realize themselves next week. I am now officially moving to Ilpoinen, a district in the eastern part of Turku. My parents are supposed to move into the same place, so it's not quite the bachelor pad yet, but I'm getting the sense right now that they will be living more in this old place in Pikisaari than the new apartment. At least taking by the amount of packing that has been going on, I'm the one that's packing up my essentials while they pretty much limit themselves to the basics. No personal items that I've seen yet.
Maybe they're doing it the smart way, but frankly, all my stuff goes in one ride over so I can get this move easily over with.

I don't really comprehend what's going on in my head right now about the move, but I am quite anxious to get there already. The only thing that limits me right now is the fact that power is switched on Friday and internet is connected Monday if I remember correctly. So on Monday or Tuesday I could pretty much grab my stuff and get it over with.

On related note, I've been looking over some computer desks and chairs for the apartment. I'm not going to move this writing table I have now, because it weighs a goddamn ton. I've pretty much settled on what I'm going to get and from where so that needs just a trip to Raisio at some point. God how I wish IKEA wasn't so cheap and simple... I got enough of the assembly thing last summer and now I'm thinking of doing it again...

I have also purchased a new better-ventilated case and a more powerful PSU for my computer to avoid overheating and power supply issues I'm getting now. They haven't been too bad, but my nephew sleeping over last weekend took it's toll on the computer. As much as I booted him off the computer once in a while, it made me realize how varied my computer usage is in the end. The only thing he did for the time I allowed him on the computer was play a computer-heavy game, followed about an hour later by another game and then maybe the first game or a third game after that. He literally played like five games over and over and over during his visit. And whenever I booted him off to play something a little less heavy or do something else, he nagged me with all kinds of questions about what I was doing and why and how and what the NPC in a game said and... well, you get the point. I counted about ten times when I was ready to blow up at him for the annoying questionnaire. Trying to translate while someone is continuing to speak and with the nephew, who asked for translation, cutting me off all the time with more questions for which answers were not given in the speech or I missed because of the constant questions... Well, it gets a tad annoying at some point.

Woah, that turned into a slight rant... Anyway! The downside with the purchases right now is that I'm due some thousand euros for a car project I did and finished. It didn't have the best finish, I admit. But taking the conditions where I and my father were working in his expectations were way too high. Frankly, after working on the car for about two months, mostly on-and-off because I still had military when I started it, and with now two paintjobs that aren't satisfactory to the owner he can go suck a big fat one. His expectations were way too high for me and the conditions. He should know, he's 'painted as a hobby once in a while'. Hah...
In any case, it's better than what it was when I started so I expect him to pay up. If he doesn't, well... There are ways to get the car back in the shape that it was. What was it, roughly fifty hits with a nine iron.

Also, quick announcement! I have opened up another page for the blog. You can find it by clicking "The Artist" tab at the top of the page, under the banner. Commentary on my art pieces is welcome. I'll be adding pictures there when I get some done.

Don't Call It a Comeback, I've been Here For Years

Well hello there. Long time.

Yes, the activity will start picking up as of this post. I have three days left in my military service. As much as I promised and hoped at the start of the year-long service that I would keep my activity up, other engagements often came up during the time I spent on-leave that I couldn't regularly update.

So the cliff-notes of what's happening with me.
On friday entering reserve as an alikersantti (undersergeant/corporal).
I have a car project I need to finish, which will net me some money to survive the next couple of months. Also semi-actively looking out for security jobs for gigs and events in and around Turku during the summer.
I will be entering my old vocational school on the 20th of August to finish up my studies there. It will be in the form of a single car project, after which I will get my degree for vocational studies and matriculation papers.

Depending on how long that will take, I may be out of anything to do for quite some time. Six months or over. I will seek to get into university when I get my papers and start looking more actively for a new place to live. As much as I love my home right now, it's about time I started moving on from there. Flew the coop so to speak.
My parents are also looking at a new place to rent as a second home right now, so they have a place where mom'll be more comfortable and it'll be easier for her to be and live. Their plan is to keep our old house as a second home for summers and so long with me as a subtenant. I don't know if I''ll fly with that. I hate the feeling that I'm leaving them in trouble if I leave, but I also hate that their plan came about without talking with me first and without any consideration to how I have planned my near future. they probably expect everything to return to the way it was before I entered military service, but it just won't. I'm a different man now, in many aspects.

Couldn't Believe It True

I'm twenty.
I'm in the military.
Friends who are my age are having kids.
Should we be adults now?

Responsible adults, that's a term used way too often as a condescending term for anyone below the age of twenty-six. Everyone knows this part of life is finding your boundaries, searching your place in the world and grabbing at opportunities wherever they may lie. Yet we should now be responsible for everything we do, all the smallest mistakes and the greatest achievements. We should know what we're doing and especially what our opinions are on all matters that are rushed to us.

Frankly, it's bullshit.

As a young adult, one should enjoy life to it's fullest. If it's to have children at a young age, then let it be just that. If it's smoking weed and ignoring the world going to shit, then let it be that. Overall, the outcome by all means is always the same; a young adult growing into the responsible adult. Not because society tells us it's what needs to happen, but because the younger generations will come about and hit their young adulthood and every reasonable person will deem the new generations as a bunch of asses and hooligans. And that's what makes a responsible adult, isn't it? In it's core, the ideal responsible adult is a cynic towards the youth of the day, snorts at most things new, dwells partly in nostalgia and has learned to know a little bit about how boring society really is.

I've always been a nostalgic cynic and I've even hated my own generation from time to time. For good reason too. But to be honest, it's not done me much good to be that way. It's kept me from doing a lot of neat things in life.
But now, with whatever highs and lows I've gone through, I think I'm ready to break free. Only a few more weeks until I'm an NCO, I know my place in there. And I know my move next summer when I'm moved to the reserve; a trip through Europe.

Life for the last two months has been cathartic. Very cathartic in a very positive way. A lot of old baggage carried away. Bittersweet becomes sweet.
Heh. Believe what you may.

Like a Lost Puppy

Since the last post, things have cleared up a bit. I believe that if I make any trip after military, they will be made to someplace other than Scandinavia. There's nothing here for me that wouldn't be here when I get back. Besides which, I'm tired of being jerked around.

In other news, for the first time in years I've been challenged to think about politics. Not a general banter about Finnish politics and how it's going down the toilet, but rather a challenge to think about actual political views and currents. It's refreshing to have someone come up and start debating stuff like that, even if it's slightly off-putting when I have less argumentation experience than the other guy. It's also slightly depressing that someone can be so bright-eyed about laissez-faire capitalism while the Occupy Wall Street movement rages around the globe.

Capitalism is just as failed as a policy as communism has been, as can be seen in the current situation in the world. Corporate greed, economic inequality, governments under the foot of corporate lobbyists... Corruption riddles both economic systems and the biggest reason for this is that governments and society as a whole is not even close to being open enough.
I admit that capitalism can work, if the society is open and free. But the same goes for socialist economics.
What I want to see first and foremost is an open and free society where direct democracy is key and people are told what their government is up to. After that, economy can find it's way to fit the society's needs. Perhaps finally even the anarcho-communists would find something else to do than smash cars and throw rocks at police.

An interesting column and a good read:
We are the 99%

Schmetterlinge im Bauch haben

It's certainly been a while. But I certainly haven't forgotten about this place.

I'm now an NCO student in the Finnish Defence Forces in the AT Company of the Pori Brigade. And I have some 285 mornings left until I get out. One thing about the military is that it's certainly way different from everything I ever thought it would be like. I made the right decision to step into service and I'm glad I got into the company I wanted as well as into NCO training. At the moment though, I'm tired as hell. We got back from a three-day camp on Thursday, got on leave on Friday evening and then had a christening on Saturday. Tomorrow we're heading back for five days of camp. There's no time to really relax and let go when you have just two days of leave and the other day was booked a week in advance.
What I want right now is a big red fast forward button. I'm nervous about being responsible for all the equipment we bring to the camp next week and I don't want to mess it up. Also, I have this gnawing feeling of just wanting to get out. Not quit in the middle of it all, but to just get it all done with.

The feeling at the back of my head of wanting to get on the road doesn't help either. By what I gather, it's a pretty common idea to go on a trip after the service. Understandable, since the fall back into civilian life might need some getting used to and perhaps a change of scenery will help with that.
I'll have to check my budget around the time I get out, but I really want to make that trip. I also want to move to my own place at some point after getting out next summer, so there is a risk of it becoming a decision between a place of my own and a trip. And no matter what the destination would be and who were waiting for me on the other end, I'm no sure if I'm ready to sacrifice a place of my own for a passing moment.

Right now I want things to work on so many levels right now that my thoughts are getting bunched up again. Need to concentrate, put the future in the future and take it easy with the present.

P.S. Congratulations to Vinski Armas Elokas Kuusela for getting a name. From dear old godfather.

Off To Serve

This is an automated message from the desk of one Teo Kuusela.

As I write this, there's still one more morning to sleep before I enter the military service. I've got the essentials packed that I might need. Basic hygiene supplies, some good old tyrkisk peber, matches, playing cards, equipment to clean my eyeglasses, shaving equipment, phone charger and two books; The Nation and The Foundation, and last but not least the order to step into service.
It's all packed and ready to go.

Although I will be gone for only a relatively short time. 180 days, hopefully 362. With leave on most weekends, I will get the chance to update and talk with most of who might want to talk to me. Whether or not I'll update this blog is up to my whims on any particular afternoon or evening. Some news may seep through, but don't expect much; after all it's mostly government business which should not be spread about.

At this point I don't know how much, if at all, the military life will change me. That will be seen when I come back. Be at ease though, my fluffy hair will grow back eventually ;P

At this point, I bid thee adieu. See you on the other side.

Osaa ihmisistä näen omaisten vierailupäivänä ja mahdollisesti muilla lomilla. Kummilasta varten tarvitseekin hakea erillistä lomaa sitten elokuussa, mutta se on aiheellista sitten myöhemmin.

Til min kjære, jeg håper vi kan holde kontakten videre.

Ain't My Game

The one conclusion I can draw from my dating experience is that dating ain't my game. The back and forth between me and my last interest went no further than flirting, the relationship before that hit the rocks and only now we've started getting back in touch, and the dating in my youth was catastrophic in the sense that nor even Sandler's movies come anywhere near it in awkwardness.
The unfortunate truth there may very well be that I just suck at the dating game and should stop, or I haven't met anyone who is anywhere near to being my type of a girl.

Actually, that's not quite true.

I know that amongst my family, relatives and friends, the idea of long-distance relationships hasn't been very supported. And I can see why that is. I can understand it's risky and when someone doesn't know what it's like, they figure it out as being just chatting and never seeing the true self of the other person.
But I have to say, the only date I can call successful and the only person who has understood me and my quirks on some level has been the one I didn't know from real life. The one who has been the most real for and with me has always been her.

I've been telling myself ever since the breakup that I don't need her, she's not the one for me and so on and so forth. I may be right, I may be wrong. But a part of me knows for sure that it might very well be worth another try. A trip to figure things out. If we can make it happen, or if we really should just be friends.

A week wasn't enough for anyone. Things went way too fast, even if the build-up was the previous seven years.

But for now... military. After that, who knows how things'll look.

Ides of ...July?

Alright, so with the coming of the last week of civilian lifestyle, I believe it's time to recap on events (or lack thereof) from the past month or so.

Guess I should first start by apologizing that my life is as easy as it sometimes sounds. I manage to scrounge up money for what I need - and I don't need much due to living still with my folks - I have a lack of relationship issues at the moment and there are no losses in the close relative circle of people in the recent future. Nothing new in that front.
That's a quick shout-out to anyone from the peer support group who were complaining I had it easy when we met yesterday. And seriously girls, as quiet as I may have seemed, nothing is or was bothering me.

Right now my mind is very much preoccupied with the upcoming military service. Six mornings left and counting. I'm not nervous, but very anxious. I don't really know what I should do with the days I have left and on the other hand I feel like I'm trying to rush as much activity into these few days I have left to do all sorts of things, much of which I probably won't end up doing.
I guess it's borderline fortunate that I won't be attending Ruisrock this year either. Leaves me three more days to accomplish... something or another.
Dad keeps telling me I'm nervous and that he can see it from my face. I doubt it. I think he's much much more nervous than I am or than he's letting on. I don't blame him, methinks it would be tough to see the last of boys finally go as well.

On a side note of this, I was counting some time ago about how much money the military would pay me if I get to stay the twelve months. Very roughly, it's about 2600€ if all the money is saved up from that time. That means no visits to the cafeteria to sink the money into coffee, pastries and whatnot else. Strict money spending measures have to be upheld. And I'm hoping that if I get to stay the 12 months, it might very well be the first step of me removing myself from home. A group of friends are gathering an airsoft group which I'm also planning to be a part of as soon as I get home. So that means a portion of the money saved will be spent on equipment for that. By my estimates, it would take less than a grand to get that off the ground. That leaves a good amount of money as a nest egg for getting my own place. Not perhaps enough to put much in it, but certainly enough for a few months of rent and bills.
I'm getting ahead of myself a bit, but that's a certain possibility that I've been turning around in my head.

On the family side, I spent some time with my grandma, aunt and brother (as well as nephew Leevi) at the medieval fair last Saturday. It was nice, although I'm wishing I could get to see my older nephew Joona still before I go. I guess it doesn't matter much, since the first vacation I get will probably be in a couple of weeks after entering the service, but it would still be nice.
Nephews give me a nice segue to get to my second eldest brother, who with my sister-in-law have in their wisdom made the call that I should be their yet-to-be-born child's godfather. Well, "godfather" since it won't be a religious thing and with the English term the clue seems to be very much in the title. I - of course- went and agreed, although taken aback by the pleasant surprise. I have yet to figure out why I would be suitable, but I guess it's one of those things that trying to reason it to yourself is somewhat silly even so far as attempts go.

This very same couple has had me labouring away recently as well. Although the original plan was to remodel the living room and study into a living room/study and child's room, respectively, before I left for the military, this plan has no way of going through anymore. Too few days to finish the study renovation. Not that I'm complaining. Just that I'm quite fed up with IKEA furniture and I'd much rather go to greener pastures to take apart and meticulously clean the inside mechanisms of an Rk 62.

As an ending thought, as one who has recently started watching BBC channels, I cannot fathom what the interest is to tennis. At the worst of times, there was not one BBC channels that did not air something about Wimbledon.
To paraphrase the late great Obelix the Gaul; "These Brits are crazy!"

Uncertain Futures

I realize I haven't updated for some time and my apologies for that. I'll call it lack of inspiration, for the lack of better reasons.

Life, as it is, is an unpredictable mess. You can either take it with a positive or negative attitude, but being the jaded cynic that I am, I tend to reflect on many a thing with plenty of negativity. Yes yes, I realize I may not seem that way to those who known me in real life and think of it as a happy and bubbly existence that I go through purely because I am the jolly sort. Perhaps socializing is the only thing I don't counter with massive negative feedback.
Sod's Law, Murphy's Law, Finagle's Law - If things can go wrong, they will go wrong and at the worst possible moment. It's by these three adages that anyone can find some comfort in this world; to believe that the world is ruled by predestined laws. We all know the passionate explanation from Jurassic Park about the chaos theory as the very example of this.

There are always things in the past that one will look back on with a melancholy mindset just as much as there are things one will look back on with joy. One can blurt out things that will drive relationships to their ends or things that will suddenly surge it to a whole different level, just because of the moment. And the future? Well, the futures that we all must face are and always will be uncertain. We can't foresee the actions of others or the impacts of our own actions until we must ourselves face the aftermath and nothing in this world will change this fact. Sometimes you just have to go with what's thrown at you. Opportunities, losses, whatever they may be.

It's all a part of life, even if sometimes it feels like the most horrible, fucked up thing in the world. Sometimes you just happen to bump into that one person who makes it all worth it. And maybe sometimes you've already met this person.

And that's about the last I have to say about that for now, I think.

I'll get around to making a brief update of what's been happening lately before I leave. Until then, see you on the other side.
8 mornings left.

Good little future son-in-law

Call me crazy, but I honestly do not like to be complimented. Words like 'cute' and 'reliable' and 'honest' and 'upright' and especially 'cute', did I mention 'cute', are not good! Word like that, when used to describe a male between the age of 10-28, do and will mean that that person will have trouble in the dating scene.

I just got through discussing this point yesterday with a Canadian female friend of mine. Sure, girls want a nice, reliable kind of guy that's cute and nice to cuddle with. Suure. But I'll bet all the money I have that nine out of ten times this cute, nice, honest person will be overlooked when there's a gruff, handsome and all-around bad boy available.
Yeah, you can try to deny it all you like, but the fact of the matter is that these nice, cute and all-around son-in-law material come into play when the single woman in question is nearing her thirties and getting ready to settle down. And even then the eyes will easily rotate towards the bad boys.

You know the guy is bad, you know he will probably cheat on you and dump you like a wet rag when he finds the next girl in the block. You know for certain that he's not going to mean a word he says and all he's after is getting inside those panties you are('nt) wearing.
Do you like being mistreated? Do you crave for a man to just use you?
Seriously, I can't figure it out.


Heat Makes You Bonkers

Shit... Aside from last night, the previous three nights have been hell. I was actually anxious of going to sleep last night and put it off before finally practically passing out. All because I was having weird ass dreams and kept waking up every two hours only to fall asleep and have the weird ass dreams continue.

The weirdest dream I had was seemingly a looong dream. Even by my standards. It was about a war against Russia, go figure. I was a squad leader on the frontlines of the conflict and the entire experience was like from an FPS. The most vivid portion was assaulting a house, going room by room either as the lead or alone. Sliced two soldiers with a bayonet with plenty of gore.
The only reason for the dream I can figure out would be that I'm either nervous or anxious about my upcoming entry into the world of the Finnish Defence Forces. Well, I wouldn't call myself nervous. I'll probably be nervous the previous day or two and then when I get there, but not this far before. I'm probably more anxious since I can finally get there and enter military service, which is a long-standing wish and dream. And this heat isn't helping, since I tend to shift a lot in my sleep when it's hot enough.

There's also another thing, but I'm not sure if this was a dream or just a sensation in the aftermath or just generally a light bulb going off in my head. And that has to do with being single. Seven years of an on-off long-distance relationship breaking up was first horrible, then it became a sense of freedom. During the last year of vocational school, I started to enjoy life much more by going out with friends and seeking to get out of the house. I got something to fill the void of being at home and not having someone to chat to over the net. And it felt great for a time.
Unfortunately, it seems I miss being tied down. Call me stupid, but I think I kind of like having something dependable, even if it is a fucked up jumble sale of shitstorms, drama and broken hearts. Sure, I miss her first and foremost, since that's what I know and that was my first love.
However, I think I've also met someone else who I might want to start something with. Unfortunately, there's a slight problem of distance there as well. Sure, it's about 890km less than the previous one, but hey it's still a distance. At least she'll come back to Turku at some point before I enter the military, so I might have some time to woo her xD

Ett liv utan kärlek är som ett år utan sommar.

Thanks, I'm fine

This week's been weird. I can already see the effect that vacations usually have on me in that weekdays get mixed up. It hasn't even been a week since I put the papers in, but it feels like I would've said my goodbyes to the teacher and councillor a month ago.
In any case, I've had time to think during this week. So I wish to address a few points in this blog post.

First of all, the boring issue of politics. The election results came in Sunday night and the following turmoil over the True Finn surge into the third largest party could be seen everywhere. In all honesty, it could be expected and I was prepared to face the annoyance of it when it came. Their policies and how they act in the public eyes remind me of the teabaggers of the United States. It's not healthy politics what they advocate, but the spotlights being on them force people to recognize faults in the system. Populism tends to do that; raise problems to public knowledge and not do much towards fixing a broken system.
What annoyed and angered me most about the elections was the National Coalition Party standing as the biggest party. They are the worst possible choice and their prime minister candidate is furthest from what Finland needs right now. It's not fair or right. The ideal situation would have had the Social Democrats and Left Alliance form a coalition government with the True Finns and topple the unsatisfactory EU policies that have been set up during the last four years of economic uncertainty.

Second thing I wish to raise up from my last week or so is that there's been a lot of confusion about what I should now do. Since I dropped out to take a break from everything, nobody really seems to know what to expect from me. My advice is to expect nothing. That way there's no further disappointment and I can take a break from the pressure and stress of trying to do something too significant in a limited time frame.

On a third point, I've been thinking a lot about relationships lately. I have to admit the unfortunate fact that there has been nobody significant in my life for a good year now (I've stopped counting how long it's been, so that's been an improvement) and it's really starting to feel like it as well. I mean, sure the feeling's there when you're in a long-distance - in retrospect "relationship" may be the wrong word to use - thing with someone, but at least then you maintain connection via IM and text message and whatnot else.
The Finnish phrase "Vanha suola janottaa" comes to mind, which basically means a wish to get back together with someone from your past. I'm sure I'll get flak from certain people just for brooding over the past, and I realize I'm doing that. I recognize the problem myself. Love's a hell of a thing, something you'll never get rid of once you've experienced it towards someone. And the fact of the matter is, no matter how much this person loathed you or disliked your personality or even shunned you, you can't let go without leaving a bunch of yourself behind. Don't know about you, but as far as I'm concerned relationships aren't something to bounce in and out of like the other persons in the relationship wouldn't matter. You can't go into a relationship just because you can. There has to be something there for it to work. For my perhaps not so unique personal experience, didn't quite work out like that no matter how much energy and money I invested or wished to invest. I can wear my promise ring again without feeling any nostalgia or loss.

Jännä on

It's a curious thing; growing up.

I spent yesterday with my two nephews and my youngest (elder) brother. As we were watching Formula 1 with my brother and little Leevi was going about playing and doing whatnot, Joona (the nine year old) was playing Habbo Hotel. I realize I must have sounded exactly like my father when I started talking about how Habbo Hotel was back in 2004, how I used to play a lot of it (Don't judge me, I'm absolutely 100% sure you did it too!) and even went as far as turning into a stereotypical nostalgic asswipe about how they've ruined the place. As he was playing the fancy looking Habbo Hotel, I realized that I have absolutely no understanding of the modern second grader. My brothers are a previous generation from me, so I now understand how lost they must have become at one point or another about me. Especially when I started with the computers and internet, which were never part of their childhoods in that sort of fashion.

Apart from the rush of nostalgia for things six years in the past, I also got a sense of how time has flown by. To me, it's a slow crawl for most of the time, but looking at my nephew I have no real sense of when he became that darned nine-year-old. When did he get so big and how can he stay so darned hyperactive throughout the day? The real shock came when Leevi, the year-old nephew, took me by the hand and started dragging me off to play with him. Joona was almost constantly there through his early childhood, so I got to bond with him real fast and that bond's still close I think. But Leevi utterly surprised me. It was only a while ago that he cowered into his dad's arms for reassurance because he had no idea who I was.

The third part of this realization about the time ticking past was me and my brother playing hockey on the PS2 together. We're just as jovially competitive as always and we always take the cheap shots at each others when we get the chance. It's the fun we've had together since my childhood. I just saw a home video where he was actually taking cheap shots at me trying to blow the candles from the cake on my fourth or fifth birthday. When I got too heavy and big for him to lug around and swing upside down from my feet, then all we have is that brotherly banter. Not that it's any less common with my other brothers, but this one is probably the one who I can joke around with more freely than with the others.

It'd be great to know that bonds like that won't break or deteriorate during the course of whatever that comes up in the future.

P.S. Ms. "Update more frequently", I didn't catch your name and I right now can't bother to ask Helinä for it, this is a special two-for-one day. Just for you :P