When Home Doesn't Feel Like Home

So I was in Norway for roughly two and a half weeks. I got back this last Sunday, not even a week has gone by and I find myself loathing home. I'm still sad I had to leave, possibly even a bit angry about it. I feel sick and drained every day while I'm trying to cope and get back into the pre-trip routine. There were a few days during the trip I felt like a real outsider, nothing major but still enough to make me want to come back home early. Good thing I didn't give those thoughts much room to grow, since the last weekend was so amazing through and through that I can't even put it to words. I went there for one reason and one reason only: Trude. I don't even remember anymore what I thought I would discover when I got there, seeing her for the first time since 2009 made my mind go completely blank and my heart skip a few beats.

I had hesitations going in of course. I never promised not to. And after how much the break-up between us hurt at the time (as you can see if you go back in the blog a couple of years) those doubts even during the trip managed to pop up and hit me across the head with a mallet. Having none of those doubts or hesitations fed during the trip is possibly the worst thing that's happened to me emotionally for a long time. I found myself being so damn happy with her that I don't feel like home is where it should be for me...
I honestly do not know if it's the worst thing to happen to me or the best thing. I used to think Finland is everything to me, even with the many faults it has. Now I'm thinking about going back to Norway for a bit more permanent stay at some point. Although first, I have a month-long trip there in September which I am looking forward to much more than I did for this last trip or the one I made in 2009.

I think this is the part where I should say "don't get me wrong" and list all the things that felt right on my trip and how it was the most amazing two and a half weeks of my life. But I honestly can't find the words to describe it with words. It's just an overwhelming flood of very positive emotions. The trip made me realize two things that had been nagging at me for years; it's not just a teenage fancy, I really, truly and deeply love Trude; no matter what happens in the future or what happened in the past, I will always love her and she will have a special place in my mind and heart. I wish to share my life with her when the time comes, leaving everything I have and building a new life for myself with her in Norway. It's all clear to me now and I'm willing to commit to it.

I also now have the feeling, which I beg to be correct, that I don't need to defend my spot next to her as a boyfriend. From previous experience, I was dreading I would have to do so. I dreaded that I might have to be the jealous boyfriend, something I never ever wish to be. I trust her and won't stoop so low as to undermine her or try in any way to cage her. I care for her too much to ever do so. I've learned during my still rather brief existence such trust comes at a risk with a price I don't wish to pay, but in this case... I'm comfortable with taking that risk.