Now this is an interesting feeling. I feel up and down at the same time.
I’m happy being together with her again, despite my initial hesitations. I went through my own personal hell when we broke up, I suffered and picked up habits I now wish I hadn’t. The army kept my mind preoccupied but I fell into the same kind of slump afterwards that I’d been in before it. Life didn’t taste like anything for the two years when we had pretty much no contact. Honestly I don’t think all that has passed yet, but knowing that she wants to spend the rest of her life with me is something I honestly don’t know how to cope with. It makes me too happy. I guess that’s why I’m feeling down as well, I’ve grown accustomed to the fact that I’m not happy that I don’t know anymore how to deal with the positive emotions.
I was seriously contemplating asking her to marry me some day before we broke up. I could see myself living happily with her, not caring if it was in Finland or Norway or wherever as long as we were together. The trip in 2009 was the sealing deal for me, I just knew after that I wanted her in my life forever through ups and downs, in sickness and in health. Guess that’s why I crashed so hard after our break-up and went into depression. I even felt ashamed I had put so much effort into it and had planned ahead so far. After that, I only made short-term decision, every last one being the wrong one in the long run. Now I’ve ended up in a situation without a job, without a useful education and … once again with her. And I’m actually happy despite all the shit that’s going on.
I find myself wanting time to pass quicker so I can see her again. The initial plan is for this July, but who knows what might happen. I hope July sticks, I want to see her so desperately.
And honestly, the old thoughts are coming back to me. I don’t know… I really do want to get on one knee when I see her. I don’t know how long it will take or what kind of effort and compromise must be done that we could be together for more than a few weeks in a year or that we could actually live together. But I’m willing to figure it all out. I’ve even figured the best place to do it. It feels that I’m rushing into it, but I’ve been thinking about it for years… I don’t think I’m good enough for her, but she seems to think I am. So I might actually end up going through with it.