Power of the Mind

It's been a while. I'm still alive and kicking, but I haven't been able to put my thoughts down, partly due to my thoughts being all over the place and partly because I couldn't be bothered on my short week of vacation to jot it all down.

I was accepted into a group that convenes weekly around two in the afternoon for two hours per day. It's about studying mental conditions and seeking to better understand it. It's also about controlling the emotions that come up and how to avoid them becoming too powerful. I'm really glad I could get in, since the group is quite small. Apparently someone cancelled at the last moment and I could be squeezed in. I was probably prioritized due to me being on the third year of studies and so on the verge of graduation.

Graduation... that word is an iffy at the moment. The teacher is up to date with my situation and the school counselor is as well, but I still need to find the energy and will of mind to make it to the classes. I had a case of stomach flu for the first three days of this week and I was pretty glad the nurse sent me home because of it. It was a relief not to be forced into the classes with my current state of mind.
Last week was a period of enjoyment. I got to finally relax, but as soon as school started again my mind backtracked to the point of having mood swings all over again. Even right now I have no real will to do anything. I just suddenly was overwhelmed with everything, even when I wasn't doing anything. Right now I'm tired as hell, but I should be preparing for the Finnish essay prelim that's tomorrow.

I spent some time after school with Huila, a classmate of mine from the double examination. We talked for about half an hour today about school and how it just sucks at the moment. These last few months will be hell if it continues like this.
I have plans, I have things set in my mind that need to happen. But it's burning me out right now. I just can't deal with all this shit right now. For the first time I'm seriously considering maybe quitting the vocational and moving to read the full upper secondary degree in night school. But this close to the finish, I just can't. Graduation is three months away, for christ sake. It's shit, but shit one should struggle through.
This last year isn't working out like I wished it would. All I want is for all this to end and the weight of graduation to be lifted off my shoulders.

I watched this documentary yesterday about abnormal mental conditions and how it's mainly through the efforts of the medical industry that people are diagnosed with them. Ordinary changes in mood are diagnosed as bipolarity or schizophrenia even when they are just ordinary mood changes that come to everyone every now and then. It sounds like a conspiracy theory when written out, but I can see the point. You buy shit when you feel like shit, which is the basis of most medicine that effect the brain.
I know I use depression as an excuse, I realize that. I allow myself to be overwhelmed by these emotions and I allow myself to slip up. I'm not perfect, I'm not as good as everyone wants to think. Years of going through the "good little boy" routine just starts to get that taste of sick in my mouth. I don't want to be the "good little boy" and I don't want to be the pride of the family who takes the good bits of Tomas and the good bits of Tero and the good bits of Teppo, only to combine them into some sort of übermensch. I'm the youngest, but I'm not even by far the best out of the four. I want to live my own life and make my own choices and make myself into something I can see as a complete and healthy person.

Right now, I just want to drop everything and travel the world. Go to Russia, go to Canada, go see sites and get away from everything. A backpack, a set of plans without a schedule and a freedom to move wherever I want to.
I know, it's hard to think of me as the travelling and outgoing sort. That's because I'm not. I'm not a survivor or a camper. I'm certainly not a person to travel the wild wastes. But after the trip to Norway, I can see the fascination of backpacking around the world. It's an event in one's life and it gives a whole new perspective to the cushy life of a westerner.
I want to flee, to escape and to put my head in a bush. But I want to do even that on my terms, even when I don't know what my terms are.