This is officially my opening blog entry and the start of either something great or something that dies away in silence within a matter of weeks.
No matter which way this thing goes, I'll take this self-made opportunity to get some thoughts down. Something that isn't completely incoherent nonsense.

Perhaps we'll start with my latest news.

I fear my motivational level is at nil at the moment. I have neither excitement nor enthusiasm towards going back to the regular vocational classes. Were I not in the latter half of the third year, I would be seriously considering dropping out and going through high school instead. The only thing keeping me in are the prep classes for the matriculation exam. The joy of doing something with my hands, getting to do something else than sit behind a desk and read books... well, the glory of it has faded quite a bit over the last couple of years. The job itself is not a problem, the teachers and the school atmosphere in the garage instead are. They drag your spirits down.

My mind is constantly preoccupied and my energy levels are constantly low. The short days and dark nights do everything but help the situation as well. I seek help from vitamin D supplements, which work to some extent. Whether it's the actual vitamin or a placebo effect of thinking it will help, it does bring me up from the worst slumps I've gone through over this winter. I need to focus on the goal up ahead, which is to pass the matriculation exam and then struggle through the rest of the school semester so I can get out and put all this crap behind me.

Someone may know or figure out what the title of this entry means. And yes, it's very much how I feel at the moment. Beaten up. Not physically, but emotionally. The last year has been harsh, from relationship issues to family issues. Not even good news from one brother do much to cheer me up. The nephews are right now a shining light in the horizon, taking over ever since I lost the light that'd been shining light on my path since 2003.
Ah yes, her. Hah. No bad blood there on my side, only disappointment in myself and my actions (and the lack of some). I stayed up one night last week until three in the morning because I couldn't sleep, kept brooding about all sorts of things that somehow related to my trip last December. I wrote almost three pages of text that are now safely on my hard drive, waiting for deletion so nobody can see that pile of garbage and emotion intertwined in a pathetic jungle of overflow. My self-critique is my greatest downfall.
(Do note the irony of that last sentence if such things strike your fancy.)

I'm going to attend a couple of lectures tomorrow in the University of Turku regarding possible further studies. I'll probably try and see if I can get in to study history and then put the actual start of studies until I finish military service. There were several hundred applicants for it last year with only a handful being picked to get in. I fear my grades probably won't be enough to get in, but hope yet lives, right?
On the same subject, I have quietly been studying the possibility of going abroad for University studies. The only problem with that is the existence of tuition fees that will hamper me and my financial situation to no end. Getting into a Finnish uni and then using that as a jumping off point into a foreign Uni could be the answer, but who knows.
I hear Canada's nice and cosy this time of year.